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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Seasonal Autumn Rant


I’m feeling grumpy and my Twitter followers don’t even care. I’ve had a headache for a week and a half from a stupidity-related concussion. My fuzziness has lead to confusion between their and there and a serious lack of production in my well-oiled business and household. Well, that might be an over-exaggeration, which is a redundancy. I’m doomed.

Halloween is right around the bend. My least favorite holiday. There’s always a last minute wardrobe malfunction on a costume that cost way too much money. Pumpkin carving is overrated and dangerous and pumpkins cost too much anyway. I buy the candy because I don’t want to be the crazy lady who hands out apples, but the food dye, chemical, preservative content is enough to mummify my entire family. Halloween is a Hallmark holiday. Please tell me why it can’t be the last Saturday of October. Really, what kind of sick torture is Halloween on a Monday. And no, I don’t want to be scared. I can do that on my own when I look in the mirror in the morning.

Sorry, I don’t want any partially hydrogenated, artificially flavored Girl Scout cookies. What a miserable message that sends. Pandora is really getting on my nerves. The Music Genome Project seems to be in a rut and if I have to hear that Geico commercial one more time I might even stop listening to the free radio station. Netflix wants to me use two websites to purchase movies. Maybe I’ll drop them. Now they are back to one. I might drop them anyway.

I’m not impressed that your kid is an honor student because it’s only October and they haven’t even received report cards, so it’s not current. All of your bumper stickers annoy me. I don’t care what college your kid is going to because undergrad college degrees are overrated. Save some money, send them to community college and save the money that you don’t have for grad school.

Speeders on Regester Avenue, it’s not a freeway. I barely have enough room to avoid hitting the parked car’s side mirrors. Slow the crap down. I know you’re in a hurry to get to the light at Regester and York because it’s nice and extra long, but I don’t need another head injury.

Feeling better already…

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